Saturday, December 26, 2009

I seem to have this tendency.

Of meeting broken people.

And I don't know what it is, but it draws me in. Angst, I think, is beautiful. There's something refined and elegant about brooding silently in a corner. Yet it's a formidable beauty, like a bomb still ticking. Getting close to a person like this is inherently dangerous, and it always seems to be my undoing. It's like this switch that automatically flips on, and all at once I can't resist trying to find out every last piece of information about the person as I can. I know it's prying and should be none of my business, but I can't help it. When I see damage, I want to fix it. Damaged souls are no different.

The first one was him. He was, essentially, a walking ice statue. And even at my young age I knew that there was something terribly wrong with that boy. There was no way that a person could not smile or laugh, and I had this urge to be the first one to make him do so. For years I was unsuccessful, and I thought that perhaps I only made him hate me even more. Then, he surprised me. At that point, it was basically the same thing. But every once in a while, he would have these moments. These unbelievable, tender, passionate moments. And I thought, yes, I won. I broke through his walls of distance. I am proof that it can be done.

But in the end, he left me. And nothing ever changed.

The other one was different. There was no initial sense of wreckage, and I thought this was a good thing. But as I got to know him more, I realized that he too was sheltering secrets. I think he was the first person to trigger my little brother syndrome, because I never developed romantic feelings towards him. He was like this lost kid that needed my help, and I just wanted to take him under my wing and protect him from everything. And in that first year, we became so close. I was hoping that I would become the one he went to for everything—girl advice, school help, even things as trivial as picking out clothes in the morning.

But in the end, he turned on me. And nothing ever changed.

Now, there's you. You really led me on, you know. I was so happy, because I finally thought that I had found a normal one. But, as always, my curiosity gets the better of me and I start looking for more. And, of course, I find things. I realized that there's more to you than your straight-forward, cynical, strangely enthusiastic exterior. I know you're hiding more than problems, more than secrets, and it makes me want to figure out every single one of them. But that always gets me in trouble, and it's driving me crazy because I don't want to end up in the same situation all over again. It's absolutely maddening. And I want to blame you for all of it.

But, as usual, I can't.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Let's light the world on fire.

We'll pour gasoline in the ocean and watch as the fish turn up their heads to see us pass by. We'll play with matches and throw them away, unused and discarded. We'll spill champagne on our parent's rugs and stumble, tipsily, into crevices unnoticed. We'll dance under dusty chandeliers and trip over our own feet. We'll fall in and out of love and hate and vertigo. You'll kiss my neck and I'll stroke your hair and we'll share each other like a burning bright secret. We'll play our games and throw each other away like matches, unused and discarded. We'll be a happy ending turned on its head.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Instant message oddities.

And things of the same sort.

[21:31] blackLABELaustin: u can choose some of my clothes for tomorrow :-D
[21:31] blackLABELaustin: so choose
[21:31] blackLABELaustin: blu skinnies
[21:31] blackLABELaustin: blak
[21:31] blackLABELaustin: skinnies
[21:31] blackLABELaustin: or blu straits?

[00:14] r3i06: yeah, i just got the impression that you've hugged many different types of trees

[22:02] JuhsteeenXD: aightt, GOODNIGHT MOMMY :D

[23:20] xxjam3sle3xx: <3

Yay.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A depressing truth.

I think I'm going to graduate without ever being asked to a dance.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Spanish tutoring.

Apparently, in addition to Andrew, I'm also tutoring a junior in Spanish 3. His name is Daniel Bak and he called me on my cellphone to ask for help.

Mr. Ramirez pulled me aside today and had a talk with me about how Daniel is having trouble grasping basic concepts and was hoping that I could bring them up to par. I felt really unsettled that he was speaking to me so seriously, but at the same time it was kind of humbling because he put so much faith in me. I also spoke to Mrs. Matic, Andrew's teacher, today during lunch about his performance in the class and supposedly he's not the only one struggling. She gave me a basic time-line of the remainder of the semester and told me where he stood in her class. Again, I was a little surprised at her straight-forwardness, because it seems that he does fine on homework (most likely because I help him) but not at all on tests and quizzes. This was really alarming, but now I'm more determined than ever. I'm seriously making it one of my personal goals to raise Andrew's grade in Spanish. He is going to get a B in that class, damn it. And I will not let him slip during second semester. I will not, I tell you! Good grief.

The things I do for these younger kids, honestly. Sheesh.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Have I ever mentioned.

That I absolutely love people?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Petting spree.

I'm done with petting junior guys on the head. I had this list of people whose hair I absolutely needed to pet because it looked nice and soft and such. And I'm glad to say that everyone has been crossed off!

The aforementioned listed people were John Yang, Jason Khoo, Chan Park, Edward Hong, and Jesse Kim.

And let me tell you. Edward and Jesse have extremely lovely hair.

That is all. Good day.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Scarves, shivers, and Starbucks.

Yesterday, Justin took my scarf because it supposedly matched his cardigan. He finally gave it back after I suffered all morning without proper neck protection. Ah, well. At least he knows how to wear it. Stylish child.

Edit.
[22:02] sardothienn: did any family member question your sudden scarf-age yesterday?
[22:02] juhsteeenxd: yea[22:02] juhsteeenxd: :D[22:02] sardothienn: and what did you say?[22:02] juhsteeenxd: i said an important person gave it to me XD[22:02] juhsteeenxd: and then my mom was all.[22:02] juhsteeenxd: who is it? it was a girl huh? d:
End edit.

It has been a bit of an ice-box these past few days. Because my lovely Andrew is skinny and lacks sufficient insulation, I decided that I would not let him freeze on campus. So I whisked him off to a Starbucks near school for our weekly tutoring. Afterwards I drove him home. He was very pleased with me. And a pleased Andy equals a pleased me.

Peace.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Hyperactivity and psuedo-philosophical musings.

I really want to pick up drawing again. It makes a little sad that I stopped, but I just got discouraged by seeing all my friends improve.

Oh well. At least I have writing! Except that I haven't exactly been doing much of that, either.

Oh well. At least I have a kiddopie!

... Now there's an exciting thought.

Happy, happy day.